wow, its been a long time.

So.. I haven't actually blogged in a REALLY REALLY long time. I used to have a blogspot account way back when.. I think it was second semester of freshman year at UNC. I had to create one for my german class, because we had to blog auf deutsch (in german). I have no idea what that long in or anything was, and the only person I talk to who had that class with me can't remember either. So I guess all of that is long gone.

Wow.. So let's see. Lately I've been thinking a lot about music. About how much I want to learn to play my guitar, except I've always been more of an acoustic kind of person. I don't know why, but I've always been attracted to acoustic music, so I think once I really know how to play, I'll probably play an acoustic. That is years down the road, I know, but still. I just have to learn how first, and I suck at teaching myself things, I need a schedule that I can stick to in order to learn and hopefully have someone teach me. Not that anyone will read this, but if anyone does who knows how to play and wouldn't mind teaching a total novice, it would totally make my day.

So a LOT of crap has happened thus far this year. I became single, which is something I knew was going to happen. I've known for a while, but I didn't want to accept it, because I didn't want to change, even though I know that had I been able to change and actually gotten the help that people were trying to get me to get, the end might not have happened like it did. It just seems that things went bad super quick. And I'm still reeling. I'm starting to get my bearings again, and actually have more good days than bad. Part of that has to do with the self discoveries I've been making, and how I'm finally starting to become comfortable with me. With who I am, and not so much about how other people see me or how they think about me. It has been soo long since I've been able to say that I am truly comfortable with me, and I'm not quite there yet, but I'm definitely on the right track.

That can be attested to my renewed faith and belief in God and that all things are in His hands, and that I need to just back off and let Him work His will. I have also made 1 new friend, who has really helped. Its funny how friends can come and go. For example, a month ago I was talking to someone quite a bit, and then suddenly there was no more communication. Like a plug had been pulled. Theres a little bit of communication there, but nothing like it was. It saddens me that stuff like that happens, but I am trying, and nothing's really happening on that friend front, so I have more or less given up. I'll send occasional text messages, but I've stopped expecting an answer. My new friend is hard to explain, I don't particularly want to use names, so I'll adopt the habit of my ex and use letter initials. We shall dub my new friend A. Anyway, I have known A for a few months now, and I would actually call her my closest friend right now. She is the only one that I know I can talk to (if I can catch her, she lives an EXTREMELY busy life) about anything that is bothering me, and she always gives me words of encouragement and helps to show me the brighter side of things, so that I don't slip into the depressed funk that I have been in for so long (the same one that has more or less caused all of my previous relationship drama). I don't actually get to see or really interact with her as much as I would like. She's not really a friend that I can hang out with because of her busy schedule, but I know I can text her whenever and she will respond as soon as she can.

I've recently sort of reconnected with some people that I used to be decent friends with that I want to get to know better. I went over to B's school and hung with him. We played video games (go figure) for a while then he had to do homework and I needed to get home so I could sleep and work the next morning. That was really fun and I want to do it again. I miss hanging out with people. That's kind of ironic though, because I never made an effort to do it before. I always has M, and now that I don't have her anymore it's hard. I feel lonely pretty much 24/7 and my dreams convey that fact to me as well. The only time I feel.. "normal" I guess is when I'm reading the Bible or singing in the car or sometimes, playing video games. Any other time the loneliness is there and I can feel it pressing in, trying to bring me down. Thats the thing I hate most about all of this, the loneliness and that want and desire to have someone that I can really talk to and share things with. Unfortunately for me, I took everything that I had for granted, and then lost it all. I'm really trying to maintain the friendship that M and I had, but its hard. I know we're both still kind of hurting and trying to deal, and at times it seems that she is doing really well with it, and then other times she looks at me and I can see the pain behind her eyes.

I still have strong feelings for her, and probably always will. But time will dull them, and if/when I get back into school full time and get out of the area, that will help too. There's something about the girls that I fall in love with in this area. They stick with me. I was talking to an old friend of mine, K, about stuff that was going on with M and I before the split, last time I was at my mom's house, and I realized that I am finally over R (my first love, and the one person I could think about and would always start getting sad and depressed). I can think about her and even talk to her now and there's nothing. Just that desire to become her friend again, because she had a GREAT personality, and I loved her mom and still do. I just don't get out to my hometown enough to see anybody anymore. But yeah, I'm over her, and it seems like its just in time too, since now I get to get over M. Hopefully it doesn't take as long to get over her, since it wasn't me listening to a family member when he said I should end things. This was her decision as well as my own, even though I didn't expect the aftershock that I felt.

We've both learned from it and hopefully grown stronger and for the better because of it. I'm thinking I should wrap this up now. This is forever long and I'm starting to fall asleep. Hopefully I will be more faithful to this than other blogging sites, namely myspace, but I guess only time will tell..